more than words

Christmas is coming...well, basically christmas is not a big deal, at least to me..

but when places around you are all decorated with chritmas lights and trees, and people around you are keeping talking about chritmas..

you realize : oh, right, okay, cool, Christmas....then what? nothing...even it is a massive festal here, but it is nothing to do with me..

recently, i find rare peace. i dont easily become frustrated and anxious...even when i face the pressure of seeking job, seemingly i dont think about it too much, which is definitly good for me.

i am glad that i feel i can gradually control my emotion and situation.

the other day, i suddenly realize that i should behave more maturely and rationally...as a grow-up already, then try to behave like one..a successful people is the ones who know how to control their emotion and know how to deal with ups and downs in life...so, thinking professionally, rationally and realistically...bad things happen, analyzing whether i can change it or not? if i can, then work my ass off to fix it. if i can not change, being sad for just a little while, then keep moving..no time to be wasted on hanging over the past...

i am feeling so bad. even though i tried to let everyone i know to comfort me, i could not step out the bad emotional sadness.

what i am sad about?

i am complaining about the difficulty of finding a job here.

and i am worrying what i should do if i could not find the job in the end..

i am acting very pessimistically that i keep avoiding the bright side of things.

therefore, in order to cheer up, i have to make a list about what i should bear in mind just as what we do when we were children

1, giving myself half year to try to find job here. try harder to seek a job. just dont think about anything else. just focus on keeping finding. because by doing that, even if the result is not good, i wont regret!!

2, the pain i am expericencing is that everyone will suffer in their starting period of career. not just me. so stop complaining!! get up and try  hard. dont care too much about the failure. you fail, you try again!!!

3, just dont give up!!! only after i walk through these hardest times, i could realize how wonderful the good outcome will be in the following.

4, dont panic!!! believe in yourself!! you will do it!!!

 

整个晚上，心里无尽的憋屈，郁闷的情绪汹涌无忌的袭击

我总是这样，情绪反复

我已经习惯把这些东西藏着

没有人值得去说，没有什么可说的，

不会有人懂

我的心里楚河汉界清晰明显，就像天使和傻逼那样不同

我存在精神洁癖，精神清高

我从来不愿意跟所有人打成一片，因为我认为那样俗恶无比，只不过各自心怀鬼胎，佯装亲密。

我宁愿两三个人出去走走，街边坐坐，沉默无语。

我学会了表面敷衍，但我从来只交真朋友。

我内心胆小，但是学会了坚定和坚强

等等等等。。。

在面对生活的十字路口，我又义无反顾的抑郁了一次

直到，我伟大的母亲上线。

用她一向对我百试不爽的开导和劝慰，把我从泥潭里拽了出来

看到她的那一眼，我差不多就好了大半

一直说自己独立的perfect，才意识到宿命的依赖从来都在！

 

我骨子深处谁都不信，人本来就是不可靠的东西，

我只坚持小孩子的真理：你对我好，我就对你更好。滴水之恩涌泉相报。

但我也从不受气，不地道的人，fuck off

所以我不期待什么朋友永不分离，不如从此相忘于江湖来得完美

 

我好了，挣扎了5个小时，挣脱了郁闷

 

 

又是毕业！感觉自己当学生都快成精了。。。no more fucking graduation ever!!!

这次没什么以前的毕业伤感，毕竟认识的熟悉的大家的计划也都差不多一样。

烦躁的还就只是关于自己职业的规划和前景。

坐在电脑前发傻，发愣。。。不知道该咋办。。。

 

I don’t know why I suddenly become so emotional. Guess it is because now it is another time to change. Changing always brings emotion. Or it is because it is time to say goodbye to the last one year. Saying goodbye is bard for me always, Or only because I watched several movies, and suddenly feel a little pathetic. But it doesn’t matter. And it doesn’t have to matter. Or it may because life becomes blurring again for me. Time to choose I guess.

I don’t want to talk or recall the past, which I always think as useless and time-wasting. I am dealing with this damn emotion. It is like I was struggling with this emotion over and over again. With it, life could not be delightful. And “it” always come and visits me regularly. It is like you can not entirely or exactly describe what it is like to your friends or family. Cause it is just a feeling. People can not tell what the pain is like, but they just say they are in pain. Then, the others will only know that he is in pain. But they will never feel what it is like. When I feel depressed, I will find friends and keep saying I am sad and feeling not good. And even though they hear it, they cannot replace me to bear the pain or even understand what the pain is like; all they can do is just listening. And it turns out to be that you still have to deal with it on your own in the end. So, you are alone. Alone always and forever.  From this point, people are lonely animal.

I am starting realizing that the biggest place in the world actually is people’s mind. There is everything right there, real or imaginary. I guess it is that makes people the most changeable animal in the world. I could say that everyone has got their own tinny world in their mind. And it is totally blocked to the others. 

Totally forget what I was going to say. But started saying crap!! Have to go to bed with this bad emotion. cause tomorrow have to get up early to write the damn dissertation. Few words to say, to all the new born babies: life is so much hard, if you are not ready, don’t bother coming into this world. To the depressed people, nothing positive to suggest, cause I am in big depression now. just wish us luck to get out this alive. Screw this damn world. If there is a chance, I would rather like to be reborn again.